This article was called "I Don't Understand How They Can Help Me" (click the title to go to the article on her website). She talks about how she struggled with some things and retreated instead of reaching out to others. I've been struggling with some things too, but I have tried to reach out to others. Even still, some things she said really resonated with me.
For example,
"I was consumed by what I was facing."
Reading this was a lightbulb moment for me because it's so true. I've found recently that unless I keep myself busy, what I'm struggling with is all I think about. It's frustrating. I think about it so much because I'm worried about it (and if you know me at all, you know I am a professional worrier and a magnificent overthinker). That being said, I'm the only one who has the power to change my thoughts. I've been trying to, with a little self-determination and a whole lotta prayer.
She touches on a lot of things that are unpleasant to talk about. Pain. Anxiety. Depression. Weakness. The part about pain really opened my eyes...
"Pain is a difficult thing." That first sentence had me feeling, well, relieved. I know that sounds bizarre or even a little bad, but it made me understand that even though my pain and hers (Jennifer Smith from Unveiled Wife) were from different causes, we still both experience pain. Sometimes all it takes is one small, simple thing like that to remind me that I'm not in this alone and I'm not the only one who struggles and faces painful obstacles."Pain is a difficult thing. And when you are the person suffering, it is easy to convince yourself that no one can help. Then the enemy takes advantage of your vulnerable state to convince you of even more...that you are inadequate, a burden, that you are in some way being punished by God, or that you are unworthy of being healed. These are lies! There are a ton of things he will try to whisper in your ear to get you to sink lower and to keep the light of the truth far from your heart."
"...it is easy to convince yourself that no one can help." This one made me go, "Hmm..." because I've been thinking all along that my situation won't get better, that anything I do or anything anyone else does won't improve my situation. You know what I'm really saying when I think all that? "Sorry, God, but I don't believe You can handle this." Yeah, that was humbling through conviction. Ouch. Plus, you know, there's the whole Ephesians verse about it: "Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think" (Ephesians 3:20). Infinitely more than I can ask or think. That's really saying something, so I guess I'd better start believing it.
Another one that really made me stop and think was the one about the enemy and how he "...takes advantage of your vulnerable state..." and tries to convince me "that you are inadequate, a burden." Something I've learned even just within the past 6 months is that it is okay to be vulnerable. I'm allowed to be vulnerable as long as I'm placing my trust in God. That's a hard thing to do. Being vulnerable means I'm willing to be "emotionally wounded" and "open to attack or damage." (Thanks, Merriam-Webster.) Why would anyone ever want to be emotionally wounded or open themselves up to be attacked or damaged? Good question. All I know is that vulnerability pays off, because it forces me to grow, to "build character" as some like to say, to trust God, to allow myself to be healed and tied together by the One who created me, to have a different perspective on my struggles. When I am vulnerable and opened up to attacks, the enemy will, without a doubt, attack. And, in all honesty, I am struggling with thinking I'm inadequate and a burden. But as Jennifer says, those things are lies, and when I'm vulnerable AND trust in God, I know she's right. That doesn't always make it easier to stop telling myself these things, but it does make it easier to have hope that everything will work out the way God wants it to.
You want to know the biggest thing that jumped out and grabbed my attention from this article? It's when Jennifer tells her husband that she doesn't understand how anyone can help her, and his response is, "You don't need to understand. Just let them help however they decide to." That definitely got to me because it convicted me, hard. It made me realize that I don't have to understand how God is going to help and fix this. I just need to let Him do it however He decides to. Again, there's the whole trusting God thing. (You know, earlier this week one of my students wrote that in 2017 he wanted to work on trusting God because he said he's not very good at it. I told him that was one of the hardest things to do and that I'm not very good at it either. Little did I know, as my student walked away with a small little smile, that God would be teaching me to lean on Him and trust in Him very, very soon.)
Anyway, back to what I was saying. I don't need to understand. Wait, what? Hold on a minute, God. You're telling me that I, the professional worrier and magnificent overthinker, don't need to understand what You're doing or how You're going to get me out of this. Huh. That's interesting...and yes, it caused me a small little panic when I figured that out, because I like to be in control and know what's going on and what's going to happen. But I don't get the luxury of any of those things this time, and God is teaching me patience, trust, humility, and peace through all of this. Okay, and maybe He's teaching me to release my grip on my control juuust a teensy little bit. Okay, fine, He's basically prying my hands off my control and dragging me away from it.
So here are my end thoughts about all of this:
Regardless how I feel about my situation, God's truth in it is more important, and that's really hard for me to remember. But this morning He decided to give me a wake up call. I was up at 7:40 and decided to randomly clean out my email (which we've established I never do), and I just happened to come across this article from Unveiled Wife? Yeah, that's not a coincidence. That was God saying, "Buckle yourself up, Nicole, because you're about to go through a bumpy ride reading this article." And in return, I learned so much about myself and so much about God and what He's doing in my life (which is weird, really, because we already determined I have no idea what He's doing). I learned to trust Him a little more than I was, to believe that He's got this, that God is who He says He is.
And guess what... my anxiety lessened, and I didn't even need to take my anxiety medicine for it this time. That's a win for me, and if God wants to help me start my morning with a win, I'll take it.
So I'll leave you with the verse from the article that taught me humility and sparked this whole post:
"Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don't think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us." -Romans 12:3 NLT
xoxo,
n.
