Time is Nothing But My Friend

I'm making changes in my life. Slowly, but surely, I'll end up where I want to be. I'm not completely satisfied with everything yet, including myself, but I will get there. And instead of stressing about all of this, I'm content with it. I'm ready to take part in this journey in my life and be who I want to be, and learn to love myself for who I am, on the outside and on the inside. It won't happen overnight, but I'm okay with that. I'm ready.

Not only am I ready for this journey of learning to love myself and be happy with myself, but I'm also ready for these next few weeks in general. Next week will be spent preparing for finals, and that weekend I'm going on vacation with my family. Not just my immediate family, but my entire family. I literally can't wait. The week after next is finals, which won't be fun, but honestly probably won't be horrible either.

Then the 19th, I have my heart surgery. *dramatic silence for serious effect* Haha but no, really, I am so ready for this. I just don't feel nervous. Not yet, anyway. I'm sure when I get there and it's about to happen, I'll flip a switch and freak out. But right now? No, not yet. I'm just peaceful about it all. I know it needs to happen, and with as much as my heart has been bothering me lately, I'm beyond ready for this ablation. I know I will be better off after, and also, I'm ready to spend my week of recovery at my parents' house with them. There's just something about leaving Empo and being 3 hours away from all my friends. I love my friends to death, and I love ESU so much. And as much as I say I hate my hometown, I really don't. I don't even really hate anyone from my hometown. Honestly, I just dislike the small town mentality that everyone there has. The mindset is so selfish, all about taking and not at all about giving. As cheesy as this sounds, now that I've been away from home for so long, I feel like I've started living. Honestly, when you live in a small town, you're stuck in your own little world, your own little comfort zone. And until you move far enough away to become your own person, you're sort of okay with that. But life is so much bigger. Moving away was probably the best thing I ever could have done. Yet, as much as I say I never want to move back there, I don't mind visiting. In fact, sometimes I crave visits to back home. I miss my little small town SEK so much.

Anyway, I'm just feeling content and peaceful right now and it's been a long time since I've felt like this. It's a wonderful feeling, really. You should try it sometime :)
This is really all I have to write right now. Hope everyone is having a wonderful day :)

xoxo,
n.

Poem Anyone? Yep, I wrote it.

Hearing voices again
It’s nothing but the wind
Bringing back memories
Remembering miseries
Too realistic to ever relive

Mending hearts of fear
Doubt too real, too near
Pain so careless
Embers aglow
Tears fall now, cascading

Surround yourself with love
Yet all alone you’ll be
Mind is weak
Body is frail
Faint is your soul, you see

Despondent, destroyed, useless
Never looking up, hopeless
Life is brutal, cruel
Love is delusive, misleading
Unreachable…breathe your last breath.

Packrat Much?

I'm putting some CDs in my iTunes that I thought I had on there already but apparently didn't, so I'm taking this time to blog.
 So I came to the realization today (a few minutes ago, actually) that I am a HUGE packrat. I thought moving half my stuff to the dorms last year was bad. Ohhhh no. It does NOT even compare to what I am going through right now. Moving almost all my stuff to an apartment is SO much worse! My room looks like a tornado or hurricane or some powerful unwanted force of nature has just completely torn it to shreds. Okay, that may be exaggerating a bit, but honestly, I can hardly walk in it! Granted, it's been a mess for a year or so now (probably longer if I'm going to be 100% honest about it), but right now it is just filled with piles of CRAP. The piles aren't even useful. Probably half of them, if not more, are just filled with random stuff that I don't need, nor do I even have any idea what to do with any of it. The thought of touching anything in my room and actually putting it somewhere is horrifying, not because it takes effort (haha, although I am lazy!) but because I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT. I have two trash bags full of clothes I need to get rid of (I think? I'm not entirely sure what is inside them, I still have yet to work up the nerve to look. All I know is it ISN'T trash lol). And I also have a trash bag full of shoes I need to get rid of. And anything I haven't worn in the past year is also being tossed out (and by tossed out, I mean sold or given away). My bed has currently been taken over by piles of neatly folded clothes that also need to be sold. I just don't even know what to do with myself right now. I keep thinking, "Oh, I've been organizing/cleaning for a while now, I'm sure I've made tons of progress" and then I take a step back and cry (Usually I just stand in my doorway and metaphorically cry. Even I'm not that much of a baby lol). The goal to all of this going away and being accomplished is to have my mom help me with it. Yeah yeah, I may be 19 (almost 20!) but it will really be beneficial and to everyone's immense pleasure if my mom helps me with all this. Mainly I just want her help so that A) I don't have to do it all by myself and wallow in my self-pity from becoming a horrible packrat of useless crap over the years, and B) So my piles of said useless crap don't eat me alive. At least if she's here she can pull me out if a pile swallows me whole.

Anyway, I went over to Amanda's new house today and it is ADORABLE. Hence the reason I came back home and wanted to get all my stuff packed up and organized. Well, THAT didn't happen. Oh well. Slowly but surely it's getting done. I just don't have time for it to "slowly and surely" get done! I move in 10 days!!! You know, Amanda gave me some boxes she was done with. Maybe I should bring them in and start packing stuff into them. That mighttt be a good solution to my problems. Just maybe...

Oh! And yesterday I went for a drive. Big news, I know. Well I just needed to get out of the house for a while, and that's one benefit of living on dirt roads. They'll take you wherever you want to go but give you alone time at the same time. So there's this little dip in the road a few miles by my house. And when I say "little dip in the road" I mean it's basically a small valley. And by "little dip in the road" I also mean that the road basically drops down so low at this point in its course that the creek going across it actually DOES go across it. I drove through some water during my country cruise. So as I'm about to drive through this creek (don't worry, no harm was done to my Baby E. That's my car, FYI), I see this HUGE turtle. And I got all excited because it's really the first turtle I've seen all summer. Okay, maybe the second, whatever. So I'm gonna get out and take a picture of him (or her? Is it possible to tell the gender of a turtle?) when I see this truck coming down the road toward me. Now being a tiny girl and not wanting to get kidnapped/sold to slaves/abused/any other horrible sounding thing, I kept driving, with a downtrodden heart. So I drive on down the road and end up turning around, because darn it, I am determined to get a picture of this amazing turtle friend of mine! So as I'm driving BACK toward this little dip in the road/huge creek covered road-valley, I see this SAME truck coming back toward me! At this point I start flashing back through all the great memories of my life, because I am just SURE I'm going to get dragged out of my car and murdered, by him and his adorable-looking dog in the front seat beside him. AND he was on the phone so I'm almost 99% sure he was plotting my death with his drug lord or something. Anyway, I make it past him (ALIVE!) and lo and behold, THE TURTLE IS GONE! I even stopped my car in the middle of the creek/road thing and looked for him/her/it! (At this point I just don't even know what to call the turtle.) I'm also 99% sure that man stole my turtle friend, and I was very upset with him.

Okay soooo, I'll be the first to admit that whole story was overly exaggerated. But it really did happen! And I really do think he stole my turtle friend. But honestly, it was a little creepy that he had turned around and I had to pass him again. Granted, I did the same thing, but STILL.

Obviously I am entirely too bored right now because this blog post happened. But I hope it has proved entertaining to all of you. I'M entertained by it and I'm the one who wrote it! :)


Anywhoooo. I'm gonna end it here because I'm really running out of witty things to say.
On that note, have a good day! :)
xoxo, n.

Did Some Redesigning!

So is it just me or do you guys think the word "redesigning" is a weird word? Yeah...maybe it's just me. But anywayyy. I did a little redesigning of my blog, changed up the background and the fonts and made it prettier :) which is always for the best!

So my mom and I went garage sale-ing in KC the other day. I got LOTS of goodies for my new apartment :) I got tonnns of kitchen stuff and a little bit of cleaning stuff, plus one of my favorite card games, Uno!
I'm so excited to move into my apartment. I move in 12 days! (That's August 6th for those of you who can't count. No judgment.) I'm not sure it's actually hit me yet that I'm moving out of my parents' house FOR GOOD. Yeah, it's my second year of college (I'm a college SOPHOMORE. It's wack!) so I technically "moved out" last year when I went to college, but this is different. This year I will be sharing an apartment with my friend Heather, and our lease is from August 2011 to August 2012. I was talking to my best friend about it and she was like, "You realize you'll be sleeping on the couch when you come back home to visit." That's when it sort of hit me. I was like "Oh my gosh, I'll be 20 in two months and I'm growing up and becoming more independent." But life is good :) I'm so blessed and I really can't complain about anything because my blessings outweigh my complaints.

I hope everyone's summer has been fantastic, and enjoy the last of it while you can! :)
Also, does anyone else think it's crazy and messed up that it's hotter here (in KS) than it is in Florida?!

xoxo,
n.

Quotes? Well sure :)

Just some quotes that I feel are relevant to my life right now :)



Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

Progress always involves risk; you can't steal second base and keep your foot on first. -Frederick Wilcox

Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. -Unknown

The difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter.

Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right and forget the ones that don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. -Anonymous

When something bad happens, you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.    

Relationships...

They take A LOT of work.
You just have to decide whether you're willing to commit as much as the other person.
You have to decide if it's worth it, and if you're going to give it your all.

But you might as well take a risk, because otherwise, you'll never know what could have been. Either way, if you're following God, you'll end up where He wants you to be.

I'm Going Crazy

So this is the last full week of college classes before finals start. Also my last week of work for the school year. In case anyone was wondering or also slightly (or majorly) concerned, I AM INDEED GOING CRAZY.


Seriously. It's only Tuesday? Are you kidding me?! This week is going by sooooo slow. I'm a social butterfly so I love having things to do, but I'm seriously just ready to relax and have NO plans. I have way too much to do this week, but oddly enough, I'm not stressed. Just feeling tired already. Not even exhausted or sleepy tired, but more or less mentally tired of everything.


I can't wait for Sunday to roll around so I can head home for Mother's Day. As a poor college student, I appreciate my mommy NOT asking for anything that costs a lot of money. All she wants is for us to have a girls' day and plant flowers around the house. I'm super stoked! It's supposed to be in the 80s so that will be fantastic. Get a little tan (or in my case, burn) while spending some quality time with mi madre. Yes :) Also, get to spend a little time at home. I don't have any finals next week until Thursday and Friday, so there's no need for me to come back to ESU until Wednesday (to study, of course). Also my Thursday final is at 8 AM so I'm definitely not waiting to drive 3 hours back on Thursday morning.


Tomorrow is Star Wars Day, and I have no Star Wars clothes. I feel that this is a slight problem. Probably should stop by Walmart after work and see if there's any Yoda stuff or anything. My bff Jon keeps telling me I can just tie/tape/somehow attach my Yoda kite to my body tomorrow, but I feel like that would be difficult. I'm brain dead this week. There's no room for creative abilities when it comes to attaching Yoda kites to my body. I feel a t-shirt would be much more satisfactory for everyone involved (meaning, me).


My room feels somewhat like a meat freezer right now. It's quite cold and not enjoyable at all. My nose is even running. What the heck?!


Got our college yearbook yesterday. Just gonna throw this out there: Disappointment. Seriously. I mean the cover looks cool but that's about it. The yearbook staff here seems pretty unorganized and I'm pretty disappointed with the way they handled this yearbook. But whatever. I'll just attach a picture of me to a random page and call it good.


I WANT THIS WEEK TO BE OVER WITH. I can't handle much more of this. I'm not a patient person, as anyone who knows me will be sure to firmly agree with. I'm tired of dealing with people and situations that I don't want to deal with, and I'm tired of being responsible. That sounds awful, I know, but it's true. It's the end of the semester, literally, and I just want to be done with college for now so I don't have to do anything. I can sleep in and not worry about having to get up for classes or work or anything else that my little social self has to do. I can also sleep soundly through the night and not fall asleep fearing the fire alarm that is sure to go off at 2:30 AM every day this week AND next week because no one obviously gives a flip about the person who is pulling the fire alarm. I don't know, I mean if it were up to me, I'd try to at least catch the person so that the whole freaking freshman class wasn't annoyed and out for blood during Dead Week and Finals Week. Ha, funny though, it's called Dead Week and I know several people who are willing to contribute to that in the literal way. But enough about that. So morbid, tisk tisk.




Okay I'm done rambling on and on. Gotta head to work soon.
xoxo, n.

Random? I Think Yes.

Okay, so for one, I can't get over how addicted I am to E.T. by Katy Perry. I'm not even like a huge Katy Perry fan or anything. And I also started out hating this song lol. I'm listening to it now, FYI. But that really has nothing to do with this post. I'm just random :) P.S. If you haven't seen the music video for it yet, you're NOT missing out. It's so messed up and creepy and weird. Quite a catchy song though :)


So anyway. Update on my life. Currently still wondering what the heck I'm going to do next year for living arrangements. And yes, I'm still staying at ESU, haven't changed my mind yet again on that lol. But my living situation for next year has changed so many times it's ridiculous. I've learned to not stress about it though. God will work everything out and things will be okay. But wherever I live for next year, I really really REALLY hope they allow cats because I freaking miss my cat so much. Yeah, I know, she's the most hateful specimen on this planet Earth, but I still love her! She's my baby :)


Also, in case anyone is wondering right now, I'm starving. I'm hungry ALL THE TIME.


I'm really super duper excited because my bff Amanda is coming up in TWO DAYS! I can't wait to see her. It has been too long. Out of all my friends throughout the years, Amanda and I have remained close. Friends seem to come and go throughout high school and college and yeah, that's sad, but it also helps you find out who your true friends are. And Amanda is definitely my true friend. I love that girl to pieces.


ALSO, I've been having the craziest dreams lately. I can't control them, obviously, but seriously! My brain must visit crazy land when I'm asleep or something. Or maybe I somehow accidentally consume a strange amount of drugs and trip while I'm sleeping because that would also make sense as an explanation. Just kidding though, I'm no druggie. But really, is there no such thing as a normal dream for me? Oh well.


And one more thing. Why stress about small things? There's no point in sweating the small stuff. That's my conclusion for life lately. Will it matter in a year? Probably not. So don't stress it! :)


I know, this post was extremely pointless and probably a waste of your time. But I'm a random girl and felt like posting a random blog. So ta-da! :)


xoxo, n.

Just a Little Something to Help Me Get Through...

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." -Hebrews 11:1


"For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God." -1 John 5:4-5


"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" -Jeremiah 29:11




These are just a few Bible verses that are making me feel a little bit better right now. Going through a few stressful things and I'm not sure how it's all going to pan out. I know God has a plan for me and that His will will be done (will will? That's quite a phrase) but it's hard to have faith in that sometimes. I'm very stubborn at times (as He knows, because He made me) and that gets in the way of my faith. I'm trying to work on trusting Him fully and giving everything up to Him because at this point, placing everything in His hands is all I can do. I'm not sure I've really ever been in a situation before where I didn't know how things would end up. I mean obviously no one knows how anything will end up in life, but it's hard having things planned out and then in the blink of an eye, your plans change and you're left wondering what in the world you're going to do. Trusting God with all of this right now is all that I know to do, because I know that if I give it all up to Him and place it all in His hands, He will take care of everything. That's all I know to do right now.


xoxo, n.

Silence

Silence is peaceful.
Your silence intrigues me.
One step at a time I move closer to you.
One look in your eyes and I'm sinking.
I see your secrets, your truths, your lies.
I see everything you want to hide,
All your dreams, your hopes, your fears.
I see your life, your tears.
I'm drowning in you, in this sea of who you are.
Your love teases me, begs me to follow you.
One step at a time I fall into you, forgetting who I am.
I breathe you in, fill my lungs with everything about you.
Obsession.
Lust.
I crave you, your strengths, your flaws.
Offer me everything.
But everything is never enough.
More. I'll always want more.
Starving myself of every basic thing,
I take you in.
I live for you, breathe for you.
My world revolves around you.
Nothing you say can hurt me.
Nothing you do can bring me down.
I'm invincible.
I'm chaotic.
Call me crazy; I'll call me devoted.
Constantly thinking about you, needing you.
You are my drug, my rush of adrenaline.
You are my high.
Without you, I can't function, can't move.
Can't think unless you're in my thoughts.
Can't breathe unless you're with me.
I need you.
Addiction.
My head spins without you, my heart aches, my body shakes.
When you're gone, I crash, hard.
I fall, forever.
I fall into oblivion.
I fall for eternity.
Sleep overtakes me.
My life is silenced.
Silence is morbid.

This Is Me

Soooo I'm back again, blogging about how fickle I am. I'm sitting here just sort of chuckling at myself because a few blogs back, I said I was moving back home next year to finish up my gen eds. Well, big surprise, I've decided to stay at ESU next year! And I'm actually very confident about this decision, so that's good, right? :) Anyway, I'm actually pretty excited about a few of my classes for next semester, so we'll see how it all goes.


A couple other girls and I need to start looking at places to live, and I mean, PRONTO. We haven't really done any house/apartment hunting yet and I feel like it would be good to get a start on that, you know, sometime in the near future. As in, probably next week lol. I'll keep you all updated on how our "hunt" goes!


On another note, I've been going through a lot of things lately. It's personal, so sorry internet world, but I'm not sharing my personal problems with you this time. All I can say is that prayer would be greatly appreciated. This thing that I am going through is tearing me apart. I have my good days and my bad days, and then I have the days (or nights) when I lay in bed crying my heart out at 1 in the morning, just sobbing because I don't know what else to do and I've let it all build up inside of me. Today was a good day, and I plan on the next fews days being pretty good also. Every time I think about it, I pray. As soon as I think about it and start getting upset, I start praying that God will take care of things. I've prayed about it so many times that I don't even really know what to say anymore. I just keep praying the same things over and over again. And I usually just end my prayer with giving it all up to God because I don't know what else to do. I know prayer is powerful and God can work miracles, and at this point, all I have left in me is faith that He will take care of things. It's so hard to believe that everything will be okay, just because it's in my human nature to worry. But I know a lot of people are praying and God is hearing those prayers, and everything happens for a reason. I'm trusting Him with this because it's all I can do. On the plus side, all this praying is causing me to become closer in my relationship with God.




Anyway, there's some insight into what's going on in my life lately. Hope you all enjoyed and please be praying, every prayer counts.


xoxo, n.

In the end...

In the end, everything happens for a reason.
In the end, it all works out okay.
In the end, God has handled it all. He always does.


I've been going through a lot lately. Most of it is personal, and if you're reading this and know me well, you probably already know anyway. I'll be the first to admit that I have not been the person I want to be lately. I've been a pretty awful person, and I apologize to everyone for that. The person I have been the past week is not who I am, and not who I want to be. I'm putting her in the past and moving on toward a new me, because that's what God has done. He has forgiven me even though I don't deserve it at all. I'm so undeserving of His grace and His love, but He still showers me with blessings anyway. He turns my pain into blessings, and I love Him so much because He loves me unconditionally. Nothing I can ever do or say will make Him love me less, and He is an amazing Friend, Father, Love, and God for that.

So to everyone reading this, I promise to be a better person. I promise to commit myself to that, because in the past week, I've been someone that even I wouldn't be friends with. I love you all and I hope everyone has a wonderful day.

Wish I Had The Answers To Life

How many times do I wish I could just have all of life's answers in the palm of my hand? I know, I know, that wouldn't be exciting. But it would be a lot less stressful for me. I went to ESU as an elementary education major. Halfway through my first semester, I changed my major to undecided. I know, I do things backwards sometimes, apparently. Changing my major was extremely stressful for me. I mean I had it all planned out. I was going to get my bachelor's in elementary education and then get my master's in special education. I knew the town I wanted to teach in, the school I wanted to teach at, the grade level I wanted to teach. I had EVERYTHING planned out. So of course I would be very stressed when changing my major. Basically I just threw away every little detail I had planned and took a dive into the unknown. I'm more of a planner, not really a spontaneous type of girl, but every once in a while I'll take a risk and jump into life without knowing where it will take me. So now that I'm undecided on a career choice, I've just been taking gen eds that I absolutely HATE this semester. I only like one of my classes this semester, my Constructing Your Career class, which is basically to open your eyes to all the different types of majors and careers out there and help you figure out what you'd be good at. I really like that class. I have been thinking about pursuing a career in Speech & Language Pathology. I really feel like it's something that I could be great at and enjoy doing it every day for the rest of my life. But we'll see. A lot has happened within the past 2 weeks that have taken my world for quite a ride. I won't go into details about it all, because not all of it needs said. But I figured if I'm not going to get a degree from ESU, I might as well move back home and finish up my gen eds at a community college. It would be cheaper and help me save money for when I transfer after my gen eds are finished. And either way, staying at ESU or moving back home, I'll be transferring after my gen eds are done. I'm thinking maybe KU as of right now. But nothing is really set in stone yet. I have my days, you know? Like one day I'm dead-set on moving back home. And then days like today, I question my sanity and whether I'll ever know what I want in life or not. Days like today, the thought of leaving ESU just tears me apart and makes my heart ache. I've been getting really close to a couple of my guy friends lately, and honestly just even packing my bags to head home today for Spring Break made me sad. Lame, right? I'm supposed to be thrilled to be heading home, especially since I was SOOOO horribly homesick last week and came home last weekend. But all I could think about was if I move back home, that means I only have 2 months left to hang out with these guys. I mean yeah, I'd come back up and visit, obviously. But what is the point of moving up to ESU and making such wonderful friends to only move back home and grow apart from them again? I can't even count how many times I've almost cried about all of this just today alone. A 3 hour drive home gives a girl a lot of time to think about deep issues of life. Anyway, I don't know what I'll do. I keep going back and forth between the idea of moving back home and staying up at ESU. I will figure it out, eventually, but for now, I'm just dealing with being an emotional girl who feels like crying over silly things, because that's what girls do.

Escape

New poem.


Run
Blindly into the night.
Your heart pounds in your chest,
So loud that you’re sure they’ll hear it
And come after you,
Find you,
Catch you.
Count the beats of your heart:
One, two, three,
Then feel your pulse
Skyrocket
As you run
Harder,
Faster
Than you’ve ever run before.
Feel the dirt beneath your bare feet as you
Run
Run
Run
For your life.
Hold back your screams and sobs
As terror takes over your heart
And adrenaline keeps you moving,
Moving toward something, anything.
Anything has to be better than this.
Anything has to be better than
Before,
What once was, but now is in the
Past.
Push back your bad memories
As you push back your hair from your face,
Pull it off your neck, damp from sweat,
And fear.
Outrun them.
Outrun the lies,
Hurt,
Pain,
Abuse.
Outrun your memories,
Even though you know you never can,
Never will.
One step after another,
One leap into the
Unknown
After another,
And you’re no closer to
Freedom
Than you ever have been,
Ever will be.
Remember
Remember
Remember
Your screams
Your sobs
Your cries for help,
When you knew all along that
No one
Would ever come.
No one
Would ever help you.
No one would ever
Save you
From the nightmares of your life.
Still, you keep
Running
Running
Running,
Trying to reach a better world
Before they realize you’re gone
And come looking for you.
Before they find you.
Before they punish you,
Again.
Before they attack you,
Again.
Before they compromise your character,
Corrupt your soul.
Before they claw away what little
Innocence
They’ve left you with.
Run,
Run,
Run,
Until you can’t breathe,
Can’t see,
Can’t stand.
Collapse onto the ground,
As your knees buckle under you,
As your heart disintegrates inside your chest.
Gasp for air,
Struggle for blurred vision,
Attempt to drag yourself farther away from them,
The enemies.
But isn’t it funny how everything can be
Moving
So fast,
Yet in one second,
Can come to a screeching halt,
Like your breath,
Your heart,
Your life,
The instant you hear their
Voices,
And know that they’ve been
Following you.
They’ve found you,
And they’re going to
Abuse you,
Again.
They’re going to take advantage of you,
Again.
They’re going to kill you,
Unless you kill yourself first,
Escape.

…so you do.

Epic, The Story God is Telling

I'm borrowing that book (see title) and so far it's really great. It's not very big, so if any of you want to read it, I definitely suggest it. It's by John Eldredge.
Anyway, I just wanted to post something out of it that I just thought was beautifully worded and very true.



The World We Live In

"It is a world of magic and mystery, of deep darkness and flickering starlight. It is a world where terrible things happen and wonderful things too. It is a world where goodness is pitted against evil, love against hate, order against chaos, in a great struggle where often it is hard to be sure who belongs to which side because appearances are endlessly deceptive. Yet for all its confusion and wildness, it is a world where the battle goes ultimately to the good, who live happily ever after, and where in the long run everybody, good and evil alike, becomes known by His true name . . . That is the fairy tale of the Gospel with, of course, one crucial difference from all other fairy tales, which is that the claim made for it is that it is true, that it not only happened once upon a time but has kept on happening ever since and is happening still."

Frederick Buechner, Telling the Truth

The Keeper of My Heart. Yes, I'm Handing It Over.

Funny that when I need to hear something, God puts it in writing. It never fails, I can go searching and searching through pages of the Bible and never find exactly what I'm looking for, but just by accident I will find what He wants me to see. Although this time it wasn't anything in my Bible, but it came from a devotional I did about three months ago.

"Our life experiences - good and bad - also play a big part in shaping us into who we are. In a strange way, our painful experiences can end up being a blessing - if we let them" and "If we let it, pain can help us move closer to God. In addition, it gives us a new perspective of what's truly important in life."

That is really what I needed to hear tonight. Also another quote that helps me right now is:

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

These things help me a lot right now. I knew any of my life experiences would help shape who I am, but it's always an eye opener to read it and be reminded. Knowing that God can take a painful or bad experience and turn it into a blessing, if we allow Him, is comforting. Everyone makes mistakes, but knowing that God can take my mistakes and turn them into blessings and things I will learn from is more than enough for me.

When I pray or read my Bible, unless it's spur of the moment, I try to write down my conversations with God and what I've read during my Bible reading. Something I wrote down back in September was 1 Timothy 1:5, which says: "The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a sincere faith." That love should be extended to all, but it starts with a love for God. And not just a "Hey, I love You, God" and then a continuance of whatever I was planning on doing that day. My love for God needs to grow. He loves me more than I can fathom (love that word!) and as I read once in my devo book: "What you are is God's gift to you, what you do with yourself is your gift to God." (an old Danish proverb) Sometimes it's good to be reminded of things you already know. A friend reminded me tonight that everything I do in life should be glorifying to God. My goal this semester is to get closer to God. I realized (more) over break that my life without God is meaningless. Nothing in life is worthy of anything unless God is in it, and then He is still the most worthy of all I can give. Unless He is at the front of my thoughts and ever present in every aspect of my life, I will not grow to be the Godly young woman He has created me to be. 1 Corinthians 2:9 says: "However, as it is written: 'No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him.'" Love is what I am going to give to God. Love is what I am going to feel, live, breathe for God.

Tonight has been a real eye opener of God's love and grace. Though today has had its ups and downs, overall God has blessed me tremendously and opened my eyes to see that He is in control and knows exactly what He is doing, so I need to step back and let Him do the planning of my life instead of me thinking I know what is best for me. I know that whatever I have planned, it is nothing compared to what God has planned for me. He will mold me and shape my life into His perfect will if I let Him, and I'm focused on letting that happen.

As Jeremiah 29:11 says: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" I'm trusting God. I'm handing everything over to Him and believing that He knows better than I (which is sometimes hard to have faith in, because as He knows, I can be a stubborn little girl) but it is very true. God will take me where I need to go in life and develop friendships and different kinds of relationships in my life that He wants in it. I just need to love Him, follow Him, and strengthen my relationship with Him. Starting now, I hand over my life to my Creator, and trust in Him to lead me on the path He has created for me.

You Were My Error

Sat down to write and this is what came of it. Before you ask, it's not true. Just something I came up with.

Begin...

Walk.

Walk away from you, from the hurt and the pain. Walk away from everything that we were, everything that I knew. Because everything I knew doesn't matter anymore. Everything that we were is nothing now. You are nothing now. But even as I write this, I know it's not true. You're still everything to me. Everything I want and need. But I'm trying to be strong. Easier said than done, of course. My tears will cascade down my face for as long as I live. You're beautiful, you know? You'll always be my favorite. But what does it matter now? You don't even care about me anymore. In fact, I'm not sure you really ever did. You were always good at pretending. You were always good at making me believe that we had something. Making me fall for you before I could see the red flags. I handed over my heart like it was nothing, and you crushed me. You broke me until I couldn't be broken anymore. I fell to pieces at your feet and begged you to pick me up and put me back together again. But did you? Of course not. You took me piece by piece and tore me apart until I was nothing. I loved. I gave. I breathed you in until you were all that I knew. But it wasn't enough. None of it was ever enough. I'll never be good enough. I was crumpled beyond belief. So I finally had enough. I became the nothing you always wanted me to be. I became nonexistent. But even now that I'm useless and only a memory, I find that part of me is still around, still unable to escape. You had me trapped, suffocating for freedom that no one could give me. So I found a way out and freed myself. I walked out of your life just the way you walked out of mine: without a goodbye or the flicker of hope that a second chance brings. I was there, but you never saw me. Just as easily, I'm gone. Some things never change. You'll still look through me as if I'm not there. The only difference is that I'm really not there this time. Congratulations on being too late to save me from drowning in all the pain you caused me. Not that you would have tried very hard anyway. But like I said, nothing matters anymore. I hope I hurt you as bad as you hurt me. I hope you regret everything we ever had. I hope you hate yourself for making me do this to myself, for causing me to extinguish the flame of life that I was never worthy of having in the first place. I hope you still feel me there, all around you. I hope my presence is a constant reminder of how much I hated loving you. So go ahead, try to break my heart now. Try to hurt me. Try to shove me to the ground. Try to tell me how worthless I am.

Try to kill me...oh wait, I already beat you to it.

...End.