"Pain is difficult."

I woke up at 7:40 this morning (of course), so I randomly decided to clean out my email. I get pretty bad about just never deleting emails. I came across one from Unveiled Wife (find her Facebook page here and her website here) and thought I would give it a read. She has some pretty good stuff. Plus, even if what she writes about is about marriage or relationships, it's entirely possible to apply it to other areas of my life.

This article was called "I Don't Understand How They Can Help Me" (click the title to go to the article on her website). She talks about how she struggled with some things and retreated instead of reaching out to others. I've been struggling with some things too, but I have tried to reach out to others. Even still, some things she said really resonated with me.

For example,

"I was consumed by what I was facing."

Reading this was a lightbulb moment for me because it's so true. I've found recently that unless I keep myself busy, what I'm struggling with is all I think about. It's frustrating. I think about it so much because I'm worried about it (and if you know me at all, you know I am a professional worrier and a magnificent overthinker). That being said, I'm the only one who has the power to change my thoughts. I've been trying to, with a little self-determination and a whole lotta prayer.

She touches on a lot of things that are unpleasant to talk about. Pain. Anxiety. Depression. Weakness. The part about pain really opened my eyes...

"Pain is a difficult thing. And when you are the person suffering, it is easy to convince yourself that no one can help. Then the enemy takes advantage of your vulnerable state to convince you of even more...that you are inadequate, a burden, that you are in some way being punished by God, or that you are unworthy of being healed. These are lies! There are a ton of things he will try to whisper in your ear to get you to sink lower and to keep the light of the truth far from your heart."

"Pain is a difficult thing." That first sentence had me feeling, well, relieved. I know that sounds bizarre or even a little bad, but it made me understand that even though my pain and hers (Jennifer Smith from Unveiled Wife) were from different causes, we still both experience pain. Sometimes all it takes is one small, simple thing like that to remind me that I'm not in this alone and I'm not the only one who struggles and faces painful obstacles.

"...it is easy to convince yourself that no one can help." This one made me go, "Hmm..." because I've been thinking all along that my situation won't get better, that anything I do or anything anyone else does won't improve my situation. You know what I'm really saying when I think all that? "Sorry, God, but I don't believe You can handle this." Yeah, that was humbling through conviction. Ouch. Plus, you know, there's the whole Ephesians verse about it: "Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think" (Ephesians 3:20). Infinitely more than I can ask or think. That's really saying something, so I guess I'd better start believing it.

Another one that really made me stop and think was the one about the enemy and how he "...takes advantage of your vulnerable state..." and tries to convince me "that you are inadequate, a burden." Something I've learned even just within the past 6 months is that it is okay to be vulnerable. I'm allowed to be vulnerable as long as I'm placing my trust in God. That's a hard thing to do. Being vulnerable means I'm willing to be "emotionally wounded" and "open to attack or damage." (Thanks, Merriam-Webster.) Why would anyone ever want to be emotionally wounded or open themselves up to be attacked or damaged? Good question. All I know is that vulnerability pays off, because it forces me to grow, to "build character" as some like to say, to trust God, to allow myself to be healed and tied together by the One who created me, to have a different perspective on my struggles. When I am vulnerable and opened up to attacks, the enemy will, without a doubt, attack. And, in all honesty, I am struggling with thinking I'm inadequate and a burden. But as Jennifer says, those things are lies, and when I'm vulnerable AND trust in God, I know she's right. That doesn't always make it easier to stop telling myself these things, but it does make it easier to have hope that everything will work out the way God wants it to.

You want to know the biggest thing that jumped out and grabbed my attention from this article? It's when Jennifer tells her husband that she doesn't understand how anyone can help her, and his response is, "You don't need to understand. Just let them help however they decide to." That definitely got to me because it convicted me, hard. It made me realize that I don't have to understand how God is going to help and fix this. I just need to let Him do it however He decides to. Again, there's the whole trusting God thing. (You know, earlier this week one of my students wrote that in 2017 he wanted to work on trusting God because he said he's not very good at it. I told him that was one of the hardest things to do and that I'm not very good at it either. Little did I know, as my student walked away with a small little smile, that God would be teaching me to lean on Him and trust in Him very, very soon.)

Anyway, back to what I was saying. I don't need to understand. Wait, what? Hold on a minute, God. You're telling me that I, the professional worrier and magnificent overthinker, don't need to understand what You're doing or how You're going to get me out of this. Huh. That's interesting...and yes, it caused me a small little panic when I figured that out, because I like to be in control and know what's going on and what's going to happen. But I don't get the luxury of any of those things this time, and God is teaching me patience, trust, humility, and peace through all of this. Okay, and maybe He's teaching me to release my grip on my control juuust a teensy little bit. Okay, fine, He's basically prying my hands off my control and dragging me away from it.


So here are my end thoughts about all of this:

Regardless how I feel about my situation, God's truth in it is more important, and that's really hard for me to remember. But this morning He decided to give me a wake up call. I was up at 7:40 and decided to randomly clean out my email (which we've established I never do), and I just happened to come across this article from Unveiled Wife? Yeah, that's not a coincidence. That was God saying, "Buckle yourself up, Nicole, because you're about to go through a bumpy ride reading this article." And in return, I learned so much about myself and so much about God and what He's doing in my life (which is weird, really, because we already determined I have no idea what He's doing). I learned to trust Him a little more than I was, to believe that He's got this, that God is who He says He is.

And guess what... my anxiety lessened, and I didn't even need to take my anxiety medicine for it this time. That's a win for me, and if God wants to help me start my morning with a win, I'll take it.

So I'll leave you with the verse from the article that taught me humility and sparked this whole post:

"Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don't think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us." -Romans 12:3 NLT


xoxo,

n.

Crazy Love and Conviction

A dear friend of mine gave me the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan and insisted that I read it. Literally all I had heard about the book was that it was so good and that Francis Chan was amazing. I didn't doubt either thing; I just had other books on my reading list, so I never got around to checking out what this book had to offer. I read the foreword (which is written by Chris Tomlin) and immediately texted her after I had read the whole two pages of it: "Okay, I just read the foreword of Crazy Love and I'm already feeling conviction! Lol thanks God." But seriously... The conviction is real and it's unavoidable. (Also, if you haven't read my previous post about conviction, you should so that you'll understand how I feel about conviction. Click here to check it out.)

I want to share with you some of the things God spoke to me about while I was reading the foreword. I'm sharing these because 1. I don't want you to feel alone if you are being convicted as well, and 2. Fellowship is good for the soul.

So, now that we've discussed that, here are some things God pointed out to me:

• Chris Tomlin says this about his friend, Francis Chan: "Francis is one of those rare people you come across in life who leaves you wanting to be better...But most important, Francis leaves you wanting more of Jesus" (13).
• What does my walk with Christ say to the world?
• Do people want to be better after spending time with me or after talking with me?
• Do I leave people wanting more of Jesus?
• When people look at me or spend time with me, can they even tell that I want more of Jesus?
• What am I doing to show Jesus (and other people) that I want more of Him?
• Am I being intentional with my faith?

• Chris also says this: "...I would say that Francis is the ultimate realist. Meaning, someone who believes that God is really who He says He is and that the true reality of this life is to follow Him wholeheartedly" (13).
• Wholeheartedly. Wow. Do I make the conscious effort every day to have the constant belief that God is who He says He is? Do I make the conscious effort every day to follow Him wholeheartedly? (With my whole heart, meaning there isn't room for anything else to occupy my heart but God.)

• Chris goes on: "Isn't it interesting that in Acts 11, at the end of verse 26, it says, 'The disciples were called Christians first at Antioch.' What I find interesting is the simple thought that the Christians didn't name themselves. But rather, they were called (or named) 'Christians' by those watching their lives. I wonder if it would be the same today. Could someone look at your life or look at my life and name me a Christian? A humbling question for sure" (14).
• Yes, it is humbling indeed. This definitely made me sit back and "Hmmm..." a bit about how I'm living my life. It brought to mind something I've heard in the past: Is what I'm living for worth Christ dying for? Very thought-provoking indeed.

• Again, Chris causes me to really sit back and evaluate myself, my life, and my beliefs when he says this: "As Francis so brilliantly illustrates, the life that Jesus calls us to is absolute craziness to the world. Sure, it's fine and politically correct to believe in God, but to really love Him is a whole different story. Yeah, it's nice and generous to give to the needy at Christmas or after some disaster, but to sacrifice your own comfort and welfare for another may look like madness to a safe and undisturbed world" (14). (And then he goes on to say, "I encourage you to face up to the convictions of Crazy Love." Thanks, Mr. Tomlin. As if I'm not feeling convicted enough, you had to go and affirm what God is telling me. P.S. I really am thankful. I promise.)
• This is the conviction that brought tears to my eyes, and honestly, the reason why is because through it, God is telling me (again) to trust Him and to trust His plans for me.
• The part that really got me was when Chris says, "...to sacrifice your own comfort and welfare for another may look like madness to a safe and undisturbed world." God hasn't called me to a life of comfort. Accepting this teaching position and being a first-year teacher (and attempting to prepare for that) scares me, and I'm scared for three reasons.
1. This is new to me. Very, very new. I've taught before in student teaching, but I've never had my own classroom and taught in my own classroom. It's a big change, and it's really just fear of the unknown.
2. I know that I know that I KNOW I am exactly where God has called me to be at this point in my life. The transition period was, at times, excruciatingly painful, gut-wrenching, and filled with tears, but I survived it (seriously with a lot of support from family, friends, and most importantly, God). Now I am fulfilling the calling He has placed on my life, the passion He has placed in my heart. And I have zero idea what I'm doing. Which leads me to number three...
3. I am way out of my comfort zone. I know, I mean 100%-without-a-shadow-of-a-doubt know, that I will sacrifice my comfort and welfare for my students this year. And that just lets me know, again, that I am where I'm supposed to be and that I am doing what God is calling me to do.

So, what is the result from all of this? Well, in case there was ever any doubt, we now know for sure that "English major" is written on my heart, since I got all of this just from reading TWO PAGES. But on a more serious note, I don't know right now what the result is from all of this. All I know is that God very lovingly and very firmly just opened a whole new depth to my relationship with Him. I have heard Him; now comes my responsibility to show that I listened by obeying Him and following where He leads me. Stay tuned for more.

Xoxo,

n.

Silver Linings

I try to find the silver linings amongst the dark clouds in my life. I can't always, not right away. But eventually, usually, I can.

One thing about depression is that it hits whenever it wants to, with no regard to my feelings, my emotions, or my surroundings at the time it attacks. There is no forewarning. So suddenly, I am overcome with loneliness, sadness, and feelings of frustration because I know that I know that I KNOW I really have no reason to be feeling the way I do during this moment of darkness. Yet, unfortunately, it can't always be helped right then and there. I have to suffer through it, or rather, struggle through it, because I don't like defining it as suffering. There are worse things I could suffer. So I have to struggle through it and push my way through the tense darkness until I emerge exhausted in the light again, still perturbed, but slowly delving into how to make myself happy again.

Maybe it sounds simple, but it isn't. I can't just simply force myself to be happy, to feel happy, to convince myself that nothing is wrong and that my feelings are irrelevant, because they aren't. That's like saying what I feel when I struggle through a depressive moment isn't real, and I'll be the first to stand up and tell you that it is very, very real. Pushing through the darkness to emerge on the other side isn't a simple task, either. Sometimes it takes thirty minutes...other times, it may take closer to twenty-four hours. I can battle depression for a morning, or I can battle it all day. Like I said, the when and the where are not important factors for depression. It doesn't care.

Today was a rather uneventful day, until this evening when depression decided to rear its ugly head in the middle of my thoughts and emotions. It crept in, and before I even knew it, I had let it. It's like I'm in the moment before, completely unaware, then I blink and it's there, its presence made known to me.

If there's anything I want you to understand about battling depression, it's that it is a literal struggle. Phrases such as "Just be happy" or "You're too blessed to be depressed" don't have any effect on overcoming it. In fact, phrases like that make me feel either angry or guilty, because I already know I should "just be happy" and that I am, in fact, way too blessed to allow depression to get the best of me. Battling depression is like falling into a pit and making a long, slow, upward climb out of it. It tires me. It exhausts me. It makes me feel like I just took on the world. But, that being said, the silver linings are there. They are there even when I don't think they are, when I can't see them, can't feel them, and definitely can't experience them. In the midst of my depression, my struggle, my battle that I fight over and over again, the silver linings are there, always.

The silver lining for me this time is that, although depression is an unwanted part of my life, I claim victory over it every single time. Like I said, sometimes that may take thirty minutes, and sometimes, honestly, it may be a whole month of battling back and forth every day with feelings of worthlessness or loneliness (I know I'm not worthless, but I'm being honest with how depression affects me). Despite these battles, the victory is there.

Today, I overcame depression, again, for the thousandth time. I'm physically drained. Will it come back to haunt me again? Most likely. Will I be prepared for it? Not instantaneously, but after the initial shock of it, yes. Will I struggle with it again? Absolutely. But I will also declare victory, again, and win, again. It's what I do. I'm a fighter. And every victory is worth celebrating, no matter how small it may seem to others. If it's important and grand to me, it's worth celebrating, and that's all that matters.

Multiple people have told me before that I am one of the strongest women they know; I'm starting to believe them.

5 Things You Need to Know Before Taking On a Bible Study (Especially If You've Never Done a Bible Study Before)

1. You reap what you sow.

In other words, you have to commit. Like 110% commit. If you fully commit to the Bible study, read your Bible, wholeheartedly put effort into doing the homework in the workbook, pray about it, and seek God, you will be amazed at the things He will teach you. He will reveal so many exciting things to you. Pray for Him to prepare you to accept His blessings! And I assure you, if you're seeking Him with all your heart, He will bless you.

2. Expect attacks.

This one is no fun to hear, but it is a very serious one to remember. Before you begin your Bible study, pray for a hedge of protection. I like to also pray for God to keep reminding me that I already have victory through Him, even before any attacks happen. There doesn't even need to be a battle, since Christ fought it for you and won. But, that being said, attacks will still be thrown your way. Think about it: the enemy has no use for you if you're not getting closer to God. But the instant you decide to strengthen and deepen your relationship with God, the enemy starts trying to tear you down. I mean in any way possible. During my current Bible study, I have been struggling with doubt and trust, and not even with God, just in general. It helps to talk to others in your Bible study group, Christian family, or Christian friends and share with them the struggles you are facing. Don't be ashamed, either. The attacks mean that you ARE getting closer to God! Pray, pray, pray, and declare victory over the enemy the moment you feel you are under attack. Remember, there is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain! Don't be discouraged if you feel like your faith, relationships, or life in general is a struggle. Trials make you stronger, and God can use them to build your testimony. "For I hold you by your right hand--I, the LORD your God. And I say to you, 'Don't be afraid. I am here to help you.'" Isaiah 41:13

3. You will develop a desire to read your Bible more.

I will admit, before my Bible study, I wasn't very good at reading my Bible. I would definitely try, but I felt discouraged before I would even start because I didn't know where to begin reading. I still don't always know where to begin, but when I'm doing the homework in the workbook and looking up Scriptures, I feel so encouraged! I do my homework in pencil, but I always keep a pen handy because I am constantly underlining verses in my Bible! God's Word is so powerful, and even a single simple verse can reaffirm that for you.

4. One dreaded word: Homework.

Now I don't know about the specific Bible study you will be doing, but in my current Bible study, there are 5 days of homework. FIVE DAYS! That's a whole business week, which is like the cousin of a real 7-day week, which means there is a ton of homework! The first thing you need to know about the homework in your workbook is: Do. Not. Procrastinate. No, seriously, don't do it. Don't even think about procrastinating. Don't even procrastinate about thinking about procrastinating. You can assume if there are 5 days of homework that each day probably has a lot packed into it. Because really, why have a lengthy 5 days if there is hardly any information for you to learn during those days? But here's the second thing you need to know about the homework: It will change your life. I'm being completely serious. Some of the lessons may be simple for you, some may be more fun than others, and some may hit home and be pretty personal. The kicker is, you'll get so much out of all of them. It sounds silly, because homework has such a negative connotation, but honestly, I have just as much fun doing the homework as I do meeting with my Bible study ladies and enjoying some great snacks and chit chat!

5. It's okay to be nervous.

Being super serious here: I was nervous. I mean I've grown up in church, I had a picture Bible when I was like 5, I memorized Bible verses in my Age 7-10 Sunday School class, and I'm saved and baptized (and have been since I was young). But all of that did not give me confidence for this Bible study. For one, I knew maybe 2 or 3 of the ladies in my Bible study group before it started, and I didn't even know they were going to be in the Bible study group. For two, I had tried a Bible study once before in college and it just kind of fizzled out. It wasn't really for me, and I wasn't into the homework and didn't do it (which probably led to me not liking the Bible study). So I wasn't super encouraged about this Bible study. I HOPED I would like it, but part of me was a little afraid it was going to be the same experience as the last time I tried one out. For three, fear will equip you with lots of "what if's" and you just have to ignore them. Easier said than done, I know. It's okay to have "what if" questions, but try not to put too much stock in the negative ones. Turn your "What if I don't learn anything?" into "What if God shows up and does something big and awesome?" Turn your "What if I'm not any good at this?" into "What if this turns out to be really fun and something I start looking forward to?" Truly I tell you, nervous or not, if you let it, a Bible study can be one of the most exciting things in your life.

Bible Study

I just wanted to take a moment and share some wonderful things with you. I am in the process of going through a 10-week Bible study with an awesome group of women from my church. It's Beth Moore's "Believing God: Experiencing a Fresh Explosion of Faith" Bible study, and we are in the 2nd week. I can tell you right now with confidence and excitement that God is already teaching me so much! So I thought I would take a moment and share some things from my workbook that I have really enjoyed so far :) So here are some random tidbits of wonderful goodies, just from the introduction!


"Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ." Philippians 3:8 NLT

"God is so much more than we have yet acknowledged and experienced. He is capable of tremendously more than we have witnessed. I have become utterly convinced that we see so little primarily because we believe Him for so little."

"To start believing God, we've got to believe God's Word!"

"Some days are so hectic that we don't look up enough to notice that the world is still turning--let alone notice the One who is turning it!"

"One of the greatest builders of our faith tomorrow is remembering ways He worked today."

"Hebrews 13:5 tells us that God will never leave us or forsake us. Psalm 139:7-10 tells us that we as God's children cannot flee from His presence or loose ourselves from His hand. John 5:17 tells us that God is always at work and that Christ is ever working with Him. Philippians 1:6 tells us that God's work in each of our lives is good and under constant construction until its completion. Finally, John 14:21 tells us that if we will seek to love and obey God, God will actually disclose Himself and some of His activity to us."

Why I Have Tattoos

Two days ago, one of my friends asked me to convince her that tattoos are acceptable. Her text read something like this: "As someone who has tattoos, convince me they're okay. A totally acceptable decision..."

Yes, I have two tattoos. No, I don't believe that it is possible to convince every person that tattoos are okay. And that's honestly fine with me. My life mission is not to convince others that tattoos are acceptable, because there are some people who will never believe that they are. But I do believe that it's necessary to hear someone's explanation of why they have tattoos before deciding what kind of person you think they are. Do I feel like I need to explain to everyone why I have tattoos? No, of course not. But since she asked, I did my best to explain the personal reasons why I myself have two tattoos. I figured I might as well tell everyone else, especially since I, too, think that some tattoos are distasteful and unnecessary. So sit back, relax, and enjoy your read of my response to her text message regarding why I have tattoos.


"Okay. Being completely honest, I got my tattoos for me, and for me only. I didn't do it because I was finally out on my own and 'Boy, I'll show you Mom and Dad.' Nothing like that. And I didn't do it because it was a fad or a trend. I thought VERY long and hard about it and I decided I wanted the ones I have because that way I would always permanently have personal reminders to myself to be the person I want to be in life. And to be honest, I wanted to prove to myself that I could make it through the pain of getting a tattoo. I kind of felt like if I could make it through that, I could make it through anything. I have a low pain tolerance, so that's why I had that mindset. My first tattoo is the one on my foot that says 'no regrets'. This one reminds me that although there may be things I will regret in life, I need to get over those things. And that I am bound to make mistakes in life, but instead of regretting them, I should learn from them and let that change me into a better person. My second tattoo is the one on my side at the top of my ribs. It has an anchor and says 'i refuse to sink'. The anchor goes along with the saying because although anchors themselves sink, they also keep things in place and keep things steady. By refusing to let life get me down, I choose to remain in control and steady. This one reminds me that no matter what I am going through, I won't let myself sink, because I'm better than that and I'm stronger than that."


Yes, I'm a Christian. Yes, I have two tattoos. No, I don't need approval. This is between no one else but God and me. God loves me, no matter what, tattoos and all. Remember that they're not for everyone, but they are okay for some people. This post isn't to sway opinions for or against tattoos, but instead, to inform you of the reasons why I got mine. Now you know :)

My 1st Tattoo

My 2nd Tattoo

Snow Day!

Today is a glorious snow day and it's about 9 degrees outside. Fantastic. But it actually is fantastic, because my college classes were canceled! This means no driving in yucky weather for 45 miles (one way!), no sitting through yucky British Literature, no taking my yucky grammar test, and no driving back home in yucky weather. Yay! :)

That being said, today is just a majorly lazy day, which I am not opposed to at all. Literally all I've done today is made breakfast (cinnamon toast), got the boyfriend's clothes out of the dryer and ironed a shirt for him, and read through some articles in my email. Very productive.

Well, as it turns out, I have done one more thing: watched my pets go crazy. My cat has decided snow days make her go psycho (yes, more than she already is). It's not enough to just enter a room in a normal cat manner. Now we have to run down the hallway as fast as we can, hit the door coming in the room, get scared of the sound the door makes, and crouch down with wide eyes waiting for something to jump out and make us run off all crazy-like again. (Seriously, she's a mess.) Oh, and she has completely expressed sole rule over my puppy, Snoopie. The poor thing.

Miss Kitty thinks she is queen of this house, and if you disagree, you will feel her wrath. "Oh, Snoopie, you want to enter this room? Well, I declare it MY ROOM now, so if you dare choose to enter, I will attack you." Seriously, she's like an energizer bunny sometimes. She just keeps going and going, very psycho-like. Snoopie followed me into the room. Does Miss Kitty let her? Of course not. There's lots of lunging (on the cat's part) and swift little punches at Snoopie. Although cats don't actually punch. It was more like swats at her. And what does my puppy do when the clawless cat swats at her? COWARDS. She cowards. I mean full out cowarding: tail between the legs, ears down, and those sad puppy eyes looking at me like, "Mom, how could you let her do this to me?" I feel sorry for her, but at the same time, the cat didn't even touch her.

All I wanted was a normal snow day, nice and relaxing. Now that the pets have had their little go around, we're all being lazy and relaxing. But mark my words, the cat will attack again and the puppy will coward again. This is the routine of my day.

I hope you're all having a wonderful snow day as well, minus the psycho pet part! (P.S. I love my pets.) Enjoy your day and bundle up and stay warm! (And avoid clawless psycho cats.)


Xoxo,
n.