Removed

I wrote this a couple years ago.

Removed

There’s this place between the window and the door,

Against the wall and sitting on the floor.

It’s where she goes when she needs some time.

She worked so hard; it was such a tall climb.

She tried and tried and gave it her all,

But never even imagined this fall.

But sometimes things aren’t what they seem.

They twisted and turned into the extreme.

And as the tears spill down her cheek,

She feels overbearingly, overwhelmingly weak.

All she had tried for and accomplished thus far

Had quietly diminished like a slow-fading star.

The earth had turned and the trees had cried.

Slowly but surely, everything died.

Devotion dissolved and her smile went away.

Things became paler day after day.

Words were whispered and hearts were failed.

Her complexion was softly, opaquely veiled.

The most beautiful soul could never compare.

She was torn in a struggle, caught in a snare.

She had delicately receded, gently withered.

Through her mind tormenting thoughts slithered.

Her heart became shriveled inside her body’s frame.

How could the result of her actions bring so much shame?

Her emotions were tender, fragile, and deep.

Her breathing became heavy as she began to weep.

Sobs erupted from the depths of her core.

Her sorrow made her achingly, gruesomely sore.

Her screams, her wails, and her painstaking cries

Choked up her throat and brought back the lies

Her eyes captured images and locked them up tight,

But tears blurred her vision; she knew wrong from right.

So why had she chosen to walk down this road?

Despair caused her regret in herself to explode.

It had been so desirable, she had felt so ready.

Eagerly they had jumped into this; it was rough, unsteady.

It wasn’t beautiful, it wasn’t honest, it wasn’t deserved or savored.

Her decision had been suddenly morally wavered,

But she had went ahead and carried through.

She hadn’t known what else to do.

Her purity had been torn and shaken,

Ripped from her life, brutally taken.

She could never change what she had lost.

She’d given part of herself away at such a cost.

Her future husband could not fully take her in.

He wouldn’t be the only one to touch her skin.

Her gift to her future husband is no more. 

She’s crumpled up in her place on the floor.

As she tries to cause this memory to fade to black,

She knows nothing with her future husband will be left out or held back.

Cease Existence

Beautiful, strong, pure
Like lace sprinkled on a white wedding dress
Like the way tears fall down and down when blessed
A soft touch of the fingertips, gently caressed

Hopeful, contagious happiness
Cottonball clouds skip across the sky
The heavens drip grace while angels cry
The sweetest hello choked out to a goodbye

Fragile breath of immortal life
Confide in me your enticing dreams
Dance across life's hesitant seams
Yet one mistake turns joy into screams

Heartbeat, locked inside your chest
Once determined to keep you alive
No longer cares if you're deprived
Try as you might, you won't survive

Emptiness, you're so lifeless
Worthless, useless, you're a mess
You thrive on artificial success
You're aimless; you'll never be the best

So give in, give up, give your life
Cave in and kiss your soul goodbye
Breathe in all these hideous lies
Feel one last struggle, a fluttering beat
Your heart dies
Death competes, defeats, deletes,
You

Picture of my Tattoo!

There you go :)

Devotional Time! :)

Last night I did a Bible Devotional. It honestly has been a while since I've last done one, so it felt good to spend some time with God and realize how beautiful He has made me. I spent some time on Psalm 139, which tells me how beautiful God created me to be and how He spent time making me unique and wonderful.

"I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." -Psalm 139:14

How awesome, right? I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made by the Creator of the universe. He took time out of His day to create me, every little thing about me, and that's amazing. He hand-selected every little detail about me.

"Your hands shaped me and made me." -Job 10:8

I love this little phrase that was in my devo book: "You were shaped by the God of the universe. The truth is, God shaped you in a unique way to serve Him. He has special things in mind for you."

Also, we should love the way God created us, because we are perfect in His sight. And as my devo book said, it's pretty hard to broadcast God's praises when we aren't happy with the way He created us.

There was an old Danish proverb in my devo book that caught my attention: "What you are is God's gift to you; what you do with yourself is your gift to God."
How true is that? We honor God with our bodies, our minds, actions, words, everything about us. We honor Him with who we are and what we do in life. Why not praise His name throughout our life to give back honor and glory to the One who created us in this world?

I loved this line from my devo book: "Stop comparing yourself. You are a one-of-a-kind masterpiece."
That's really uplifting. It's not every day that you are told that you're a masterpiece, and a unique one at that! Not one person in this world is exactly the same as you. God created you to be different for a reason. He made you the way you are because He knew what He was doing. He has a purpose for everyone in this life.

Which leads me on to the next verse I looked at: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

That verse always makes me realize that no matter what is going on in my life, my God is truly in control and I never have to worry, because He takes care of me every day. He knows better than I do what is good for me and where my life will lead. I love that God planned my future before I even knew He existed, before I was even thought of in this world.

Anyway, I'd like to write out Psalm 139, because to me, that's like an eye-opener right now. It's so beautifully written (as are many of the Psalms) and I love to read it over and over again.

"O Lord, You have searched me and You know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue You know it completely, O Lord.
You hem me in - behind and before; You have laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,'
even the darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You.
For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with You.
If only You would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
They speak of You with evil intent; Your adversaries misuse Your name.
Do I not hate those who hate You, O Lord, and abhor those who rise up against You?
I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

Tattoo!

So for all of you who don't already know, I got a tattoo yesterday :)
A few of the girls went with me (I held all of their hands at least once lol) and I got it on the side of my foot. Before you ask, yes, it did hurt. Not as bad as I thought it would though! And definitely not bad enough that I won't get any more. I still want 1 more :P But it'll be a little bit before I get it.

Anyway, I got "no regrets" on the side of my foot, because I believe you shouldn't have any regrets in life. You should learn from your mistakes (because what else can you do?) and shouldn't regret anything, because at one point in your life, you were doing exactly what you wanted and it made you happy. Plus regrets will only slow you down in life. Learn from them and move on, and your life will be much better :)

Hello World.

So I haven't posted for a while and I'm sorry about that. College seriously knows how to keep a girl busy!

Anyway, just some updates:
-My cousin had her Sweet 16 birthday party over the weekend (she doesn't actually turn 16 until tomorrow, but, whatever lol). It was bittersweet, but more sweet if I do say so myself. I love her so much. She's such a great girl and she is growing up to be such an amazing Christian woman. I love everything about her, even her quirky personality (well of course, she gets that from me!). I'm hoping she can come up and visit me sometime and stay the weekend with me, I would absolutely love that.
-I have two homes. Really. Though my heart will always belong back in Southeast Kansas, it's really hard not to fall for Emporia. It's so amazing. It's a little-big town and I really do love everything about it. I know I said I wanted to go back to the surrounding towns where I'm from and teach there, but really, I'm thinking about just staying here! I'm so glad that God has blessed me with the adventure of being here for the next four years. He is so great.
-I'm super excited for this week. Tonight Amber (my roommate) and I are going to a Mary Kay something or other lol. Her sister is getting "inducted" so to speak, and there will be lots of freebie prizes (up to $500 worth!) so we are both pretty excited about that :) I'm also super stoked because tonight I'm placing my order for some makeup! (I know, I'm SUCH a girl lol)
-Thursday night will be super spectacular. My Honors Seminar class is having a cookout at one of our professor's pastures. It will be fantabulous. Not only are we going to kill some zombies (literally) but we also are going to roast some hot dogs and make some s'mores! It will be delicious! I'm bringing hot chocolate! And we're going to burn things, just for the fun of it, because as honor students, we are extremely awesome and qualified to burn whatever we want in a campfire.
-Friday I really have no plans, but I'm just excited about it anyway, because it's the start of my weekend! :)
-Saturday we play Pittsburg State up here, that will be fun because I have a lot of friends who go to Pitt and my aunt and uncle might possibly be coming up to visit me.
-Sunday I'm going SHOPPING! In Kansas City. With an extremely cool friend. Because we rock so that's what we do. I can't wait.


Well, there's an update on my life! College is going great :) If you haven't already noticed :P

xoxo!
nicole

Happiness.

Sometimes all you need is a small shopping spree with some of your girls to make you happy.

Not that I wasn't happy before we went to the mall, but seriously, friends are the best things in life besides God and family. I love my girls :)