Epic, The Story God is Telling

I'm borrowing that book (see title) and so far it's really great. It's not very big, so if any of you want to read it, I definitely suggest it. It's by John Eldredge.
Anyway, I just wanted to post something out of it that I just thought was beautifully worded and very true.



The World We Live In

"It is a world of magic and mystery, of deep darkness and flickering starlight. It is a world where terrible things happen and wonderful things too. It is a world where goodness is pitted against evil, love against hate, order against chaos, in a great struggle where often it is hard to be sure who belongs to which side because appearances are endlessly deceptive. Yet for all its confusion and wildness, it is a world where the battle goes ultimately to the good, who live happily ever after, and where in the long run everybody, good and evil alike, becomes known by His true name . . . That is the fairy tale of the Gospel with, of course, one crucial difference from all other fairy tales, which is that the claim made for it is that it is true, that it not only happened once upon a time but has kept on happening ever since and is happening still."

Frederick Buechner, Telling the Truth

The Keeper of My Heart. Yes, I'm Handing It Over.

Funny that when I need to hear something, God puts it in writing. It never fails, I can go searching and searching through pages of the Bible and never find exactly what I'm looking for, but just by accident I will find what He wants me to see. Although this time it wasn't anything in my Bible, but it came from a devotional I did about three months ago.

"Our life experiences - good and bad - also play a big part in shaping us into who we are. In a strange way, our painful experiences can end up being a blessing - if we let them" and "If we let it, pain can help us move closer to God. In addition, it gives us a new perspective of what's truly important in life."

That is really what I needed to hear tonight. Also another quote that helps me right now is:

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

These things help me a lot right now. I knew any of my life experiences would help shape who I am, but it's always an eye opener to read it and be reminded. Knowing that God can take a painful or bad experience and turn it into a blessing, if we allow Him, is comforting. Everyone makes mistakes, but knowing that God can take my mistakes and turn them into blessings and things I will learn from is more than enough for me.

When I pray or read my Bible, unless it's spur of the moment, I try to write down my conversations with God and what I've read during my Bible reading. Something I wrote down back in September was 1 Timothy 1:5, which says: "The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a sincere faith." That love should be extended to all, but it starts with a love for God. And not just a "Hey, I love You, God" and then a continuance of whatever I was planning on doing that day. My love for God needs to grow. He loves me more than I can fathom (love that word!) and as I read once in my devo book: "What you are is God's gift to you, what you do with yourself is your gift to God." (an old Danish proverb) Sometimes it's good to be reminded of things you already know. A friend reminded me tonight that everything I do in life should be glorifying to God. My goal this semester is to get closer to God. I realized (more) over break that my life without God is meaningless. Nothing in life is worthy of anything unless God is in it, and then He is still the most worthy of all I can give. Unless He is at the front of my thoughts and ever present in every aspect of my life, I will not grow to be the Godly young woman He has created me to be. 1 Corinthians 2:9 says: "However, as it is written: 'No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him.'" Love is what I am going to give to God. Love is what I am going to feel, live, breathe for God.

Tonight has been a real eye opener of God's love and grace. Though today has had its ups and downs, overall God has blessed me tremendously and opened my eyes to see that He is in control and knows exactly what He is doing, so I need to step back and let Him do the planning of my life instead of me thinking I know what is best for me. I know that whatever I have planned, it is nothing compared to what God has planned for me. He will mold me and shape my life into His perfect will if I let Him, and I'm focused on letting that happen.

As Jeremiah 29:11 says: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" I'm trusting God. I'm handing everything over to Him and believing that He knows better than I (which is sometimes hard to have faith in, because as He knows, I can be a stubborn little girl) but it is very true. God will take me where I need to go in life and develop friendships and different kinds of relationships in my life that He wants in it. I just need to love Him, follow Him, and strengthen my relationship with Him. Starting now, I hand over my life to my Creator, and trust in Him to lead me on the path He has created for me.

You Were My Error

Sat down to write and this is what came of it. Before you ask, it's not true. Just something I came up with.

Begin...

Walk.

Walk away from you, from the hurt and the pain. Walk away from everything that we were, everything that I knew. Because everything I knew doesn't matter anymore. Everything that we were is nothing now. You are nothing now. But even as I write this, I know it's not true. You're still everything to me. Everything I want and need. But I'm trying to be strong. Easier said than done, of course. My tears will cascade down my face for as long as I live. You're beautiful, you know? You'll always be my favorite. But what does it matter now? You don't even care about me anymore. In fact, I'm not sure you really ever did. You were always good at pretending. You were always good at making me believe that we had something. Making me fall for you before I could see the red flags. I handed over my heart like it was nothing, and you crushed me. You broke me until I couldn't be broken anymore. I fell to pieces at your feet and begged you to pick me up and put me back together again. But did you? Of course not. You took me piece by piece and tore me apart until I was nothing. I loved. I gave. I breathed you in until you were all that I knew. But it wasn't enough. None of it was ever enough. I'll never be good enough. I was crumpled beyond belief. So I finally had enough. I became the nothing you always wanted me to be. I became nonexistent. But even now that I'm useless and only a memory, I find that part of me is still around, still unable to escape. You had me trapped, suffocating for freedom that no one could give me. So I found a way out and freed myself. I walked out of your life just the way you walked out of mine: without a goodbye or the flicker of hope that a second chance brings. I was there, but you never saw me. Just as easily, I'm gone. Some things never change. You'll still look through me as if I'm not there. The only difference is that I'm really not there this time. Congratulations on being too late to save me from drowning in all the pain you caused me. Not that you would have tried very hard anyway. But like I said, nothing matters anymore. I hope I hurt you as bad as you hurt me. I hope you regret everything we ever had. I hope you hate yourself for making me do this to myself, for causing me to extinguish the flame of life that I was never worthy of having in the first place. I hope you still feel me there, all around you. I hope my presence is a constant reminder of how much I hated loving you. So go ahead, try to break my heart now. Try to hurt me. Try to shove me to the ground. Try to tell me how worthless I am.

Try to kill me...oh wait, I already beat you to it.

...End.

Creative Writing Assignment

So in Honors Seminar we had to write a poem or something about Kansas. I wrote a sonnet! :) It's been a while since I've really sat down and concentrated on writing anything that I was proud of, and I'm not saying this one is my favorite, because it isn't, but I'm pretty proud of what I put together for my assignment.

Kansas sky, open and blue

Grass blowing softly in the wind

Clouds billowing in the heavens

Beginning seems to reach its end

Flat land spreads itself forever

Reaching its hands across my heart

Nature appeals to me like no other

It seems we will never be apart

Love for this place came over me

Swiftly captured me piece by piece

Swept me into the beauty of farming

Working God's land was a sweet release

Kansas sky, open and blue

Forever my respect is due

Oh Life, You Sure Do Make Me Think

I cannot begin to tell you how glad I am that I came to Emporia. I've made the best friends a girl could ask for, and even though I changed my major from Elementary Education to Undecided, I can't imagine being anywhere else at this point in my life. Yes, I'm about 3 hours away from home, but I'm finally OUT ON MY OWN. The thought of being independent used to scare the bejeebers out of me. But now that I'm actually here, right now, it's as if I was made for this. God prepares you whether you feel prepared or not.

I can't imagine NOT being here and NOT having the friends I have now. These girls (and a few guys) are honestly the best friends I could ever hope to have, and imagining my life without them is pretty weird. It's not every day you go venturing into the world on your own, far from home, and meet people who change your life forever. College is all about learning who you are, even if you thought you already knew.

Anyway, just wanted to post a short little blog about how much I'm loving it up here. This is where I belong. These friends are ones that I want in my life for the rest of my life.

Removed

I wrote this a couple years ago.

Removed

There’s this place between the window and the door,

Against the wall and sitting on the floor.

It’s where she goes when she needs some time.

She worked so hard; it was such a tall climb.

She tried and tried and gave it her all,

But never even imagined this fall.

But sometimes things aren’t what they seem.

They twisted and turned into the extreme.

And as the tears spill down her cheek,

She feels overbearingly, overwhelmingly weak.

All she had tried for and accomplished thus far

Had quietly diminished like a slow-fading star.

The earth had turned and the trees had cried.

Slowly but surely, everything died.

Devotion dissolved and her smile went away.

Things became paler day after day.

Words were whispered and hearts were failed.

Her complexion was softly, opaquely veiled.

The most beautiful soul could never compare.

She was torn in a struggle, caught in a snare.

She had delicately receded, gently withered.

Through her mind tormenting thoughts slithered.

Her heart became shriveled inside her body’s frame.

How could the result of her actions bring so much shame?

Her emotions were tender, fragile, and deep.

Her breathing became heavy as she began to weep.

Sobs erupted from the depths of her core.

Her sorrow made her achingly, gruesomely sore.

Her screams, her wails, and her painstaking cries

Choked up her throat and brought back the lies

Her eyes captured images and locked them up tight,

But tears blurred her vision; she knew wrong from right.

So why had she chosen to walk down this road?

Despair caused her regret in herself to explode.

It had been so desirable, she had felt so ready.

Eagerly they had jumped into this; it was rough, unsteady.

It wasn’t beautiful, it wasn’t honest, it wasn’t deserved or savored.

Her decision had been suddenly morally wavered,

But she had went ahead and carried through.

She hadn’t known what else to do.

Her purity had been torn and shaken,

Ripped from her life, brutally taken.

She could never change what she had lost.

She’d given part of herself away at such a cost.

Her future husband could not fully take her in.

He wouldn’t be the only one to touch her skin.

Her gift to her future husband is no more. 

She’s crumpled up in her place on the floor.

As she tries to cause this memory to fade to black,

She knows nothing with her future husband will be left out or held back.

Cease Existence

Beautiful, strong, pure
Like lace sprinkled on a white wedding dress
Like the way tears fall down and down when blessed
A soft touch of the fingertips, gently caressed

Hopeful, contagious happiness
Cottonball clouds skip across the sky
The heavens drip grace while angels cry
The sweetest hello choked out to a goodbye

Fragile breath of immortal life
Confide in me your enticing dreams
Dance across life's hesitant seams
Yet one mistake turns joy into screams

Heartbeat, locked inside your chest
Once determined to keep you alive
No longer cares if you're deprived
Try as you might, you won't survive

Emptiness, you're so lifeless
Worthless, useless, you're a mess
You thrive on artificial success
You're aimless; you'll never be the best

So give in, give up, give your life
Cave in and kiss your soul goodbye
Breathe in all these hideous lies
Feel one last struggle, a fluttering beat
Your heart dies
Death competes, defeats, deletes,
You