Random? I Think Yes.

Okay, so for one, I can't get over how addicted I am to E.T. by Katy Perry. I'm not even like a huge Katy Perry fan or anything. And I also started out hating this song lol. I'm listening to it now, FYI. But that really has nothing to do with this post. I'm just random :) P.S. If you haven't seen the music video for it yet, you're NOT missing out. It's so messed up and creepy and weird. Quite a catchy song though :)


So anyway. Update on my life. Currently still wondering what the heck I'm going to do next year for living arrangements. And yes, I'm still staying at ESU, haven't changed my mind yet again on that lol. But my living situation for next year has changed so many times it's ridiculous. I've learned to not stress about it though. God will work everything out and things will be okay. But wherever I live for next year, I really really REALLY hope they allow cats because I freaking miss my cat so much. Yeah, I know, she's the most hateful specimen on this planet Earth, but I still love her! She's my baby :)


Also, in case anyone is wondering right now, I'm starving. I'm hungry ALL THE TIME.


I'm really super duper excited because my bff Amanda is coming up in TWO DAYS! I can't wait to see her. It has been too long. Out of all my friends throughout the years, Amanda and I have remained close. Friends seem to come and go throughout high school and college and yeah, that's sad, but it also helps you find out who your true friends are. And Amanda is definitely my true friend. I love that girl to pieces.


ALSO, I've been having the craziest dreams lately. I can't control them, obviously, but seriously! My brain must visit crazy land when I'm asleep or something. Or maybe I somehow accidentally consume a strange amount of drugs and trip while I'm sleeping because that would also make sense as an explanation. Just kidding though, I'm no druggie. But really, is there no such thing as a normal dream for me? Oh well.


And one more thing. Why stress about small things? There's no point in sweating the small stuff. That's my conclusion for life lately. Will it matter in a year? Probably not. So don't stress it! :)


I know, this post was extremely pointless and probably a waste of your time. But I'm a random girl and felt like posting a random blog. So ta-da! :)


xoxo, n.

Just a Little Something to Help Me Get Through...

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." -Hebrews 11:1


"For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God." -1 John 5:4-5


"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" -Jeremiah 29:11




These are just a few Bible verses that are making me feel a little bit better right now. Going through a few stressful things and I'm not sure how it's all going to pan out. I know God has a plan for me and that His will will be done (will will? That's quite a phrase) but it's hard to have faith in that sometimes. I'm very stubborn at times (as He knows, because He made me) and that gets in the way of my faith. I'm trying to work on trusting Him fully and giving everything up to Him because at this point, placing everything in His hands is all I can do. I'm not sure I've really ever been in a situation before where I didn't know how things would end up. I mean obviously no one knows how anything will end up in life, but it's hard having things planned out and then in the blink of an eye, your plans change and you're left wondering what in the world you're going to do. Trusting God with all of this right now is all that I know to do, because I know that if I give it all up to Him and place it all in His hands, He will take care of everything. That's all I know to do right now.


xoxo, n.

Silence

Silence is peaceful.
Your silence intrigues me.
One step at a time I move closer to you.
One look in your eyes and I'm sinking.
I see your secrets, your truths, your lies.
I see everything you want to hide,
All your dreams, your hopes, your fears.
I see your life, your tears.
I'm drowning in you, in this sea of who you are.
Your love teases me, begs me to follow you.
One step at a time I fall into you, forgetting who I am.
I breathe you in, fill my lungs with everything about you.
Obsession.
Lust.
I crave you, your strengths, your flaws.
Offer me everything.
But everything is never enough.
More. I'll always want more.
Starving myself of every basic thing,
I take you in.
I live for you, breathe for you.
My world revolves around you.
Nothing you say can hurt me.
Nothing you do can bring me down.
I'm invincible.
I'm chaotic.
Call me crazy; I'll call me devoted.
Constantly thinking about you, needing you.
You are my drug, my rush of adrenaline.
You are my high.
Without you, I can't function, can't move.
Can't think unless you're in my thoughts.
Can't breathe unless you're with me.
I need you.
Addiction.
My head spins without you, my heart aches, my body shakes.
When you're gone, I crash, hard.
I fall, forever.
I fall into oblivion.
I fall for eternity.
Sleep overtakes me.
My life is silenced.
Silence is morbid.

This Is Me

Soooo I'm back again, blogging about how fickle I am. I'm sitting here just sort of chuckling at myself because a few blogs back, I said I was moving back home next year to finish up my gen eds. Well, big surprise, I've decided to stay at ESU next year! And I'm actually very confident about this decision, so that's good, right? :) Anyway, I'm actually pretty excited about a few of my classes for next semester, so we'll see how it all goes.


A couple other girls and I need to start looking at places to live, and I mean, PRONTO. We haven't really done any house/apartment hunting yet and I feel like it would be good to get a start on that, you know, sometime in the near future. As in, probably next week lol. I'll keep you all updated on how our "hunt" goes!


On another note, I've been going through a lot of things lately. It's personal, so sorry internet world, but I'm not sharing my personal problems with you this time. All I can say is that prayer would be greatly appreciated. This thing that I am going through is tearing me apart. I have my good days and my bad days, and then I have the days (or nights) when I lay in bed crying my heart out at 1 in the morning, just sobbing because I don't know what else to do and I've let it all build up inside of me. Today was a good day, and I plan on the next fews days being pretty good also. Every time I think about it, I pray. As soon as I think about it and start getting upset, I start praying that God will take care of things. I've prayed about it so many times that I don't even really know what to say anymore. I just keep praying the same things over and over again. And I usually just end my prayer with giving it all up to God because I don't know what else to do. I know prayer is powerful and God can work miracles, and at this point, all I have left in me is faith that He will take care of things. It's so hard to believe that everything will be okay, just because it's in my human nature to worry. But I know a lot of people are praying and God is hearing those prayers, and everything happens for a reason. I'm trusting Him with this because it's all I can do. On the plus side, all this praying is causing me to become closer in my relationship with God.




Anyway, there's some insight into what's going on in my life lately. Hope you all enjoyed and please be praying, every prayer counts.


xoxo, n.

In the end...

In the end, everything happens for a reason.
In the end, it all works out okay.
In the end, God has handled it all. He always does.


I've been going through a lot lately. Most of it is personal, and if you're reading this and know me well, you probably already know anyway. I'll be the first to admit that I have not been the person I want to be lately. I've been a pretty awful person, and I apologize to everyone for that. The person I have been the past week is not who I am, and not who I want to be. I'm putting her in the past and moving on toward a new me, because that's what God has done. He has forgiven me even though I don't deserve it at all. I'm so undeserving of His grace and His love, but He still showers me with blessings anyway. He turns my pain into blessings, and I love Him so much because He loves me unconditionally. Nothing I can ever do or say will make Him love me less, and He is an amazing Friend, Father, Love, and God for that.

So to everyone reading this, I promise to be a better person. I promise to commit myself to that, because in the past week, I've been someone that even I wouldn't be friends with. I love you all and I hope everyone has a wonderful day.

Wish I Had The Answers To Life

How many times do I wish I could just have all of life's answers in the palm of my hand? I know, I know, that wouldn't be exciting. But it would be a lot less stressful for me. I went to ESU as an elementary education major. Halfway through my first semester, I changed my major to undecided. I know, I do things backwards sometimes, apparently. Changing my major was extremely stressful for me. I mean I had it all planned out. I was going to get my bachelor's in elementary education and then get my master's in special education. I knew the town I wanted to teach in, the school I wanted to teach at, the grade level I wanted to teach. I had EVERYTHING planned out. So of course I would be very stressed when changing my major. Basically I just threw away every little detail I had planned and took a dive into the unknown. I'm more of a planner, not really a spontaneous type of girl, but every once in a while I'll take a risk and jump into life without knowing where it will take me. So now that I'm undecided on a career choice, I've just been taking gen eds that I absolutely HATE this semester. I only like one of my classes this semester, my Constructing Your Career class, which is basically to open your eyes to all the different types of majors and careers out there and help you figure out what you'd be good at. I really like that class. I have been thinking about pursuing a career in Speech & Language Pathology. I really feel like it's something that I could be great at and enjoy doing it every day for the rest of my life. But we'll see. A lot has happened within the past 2 weeks that have taken my world for quite a ride. I won't go into details about it all, because not all of it needs said. But I figured if I'm not going to get a degree from ESU, I might as well move back home and finish up my gen eds at a community college. It would be cheaper and help me save money for when I transfer after my gen eds are finished. And either way, staying at ESU or moving back home, I'll be transferring after my gen eds are done. I'm thinking maybe KU as of right now. But nothing is really set in stone yet. I have my days, you know? Like one day I'm dead-set on moving back home. And then days like today, I question my sanity and whether I'll ever know what I want in life or not. Days like today, the thought of leaving ESU just tears me apart and makes my heart ache. I've been getting really close to a couple of my guy friends lately, and honestly just even packing my bags to head home today for Spring Break made me sad. Lame, right? I'm supposed to be thrilled to be heading home, especially since I was SOOOO horribly homesick last week and came home last weekend. But all I could think about was if I move back home, that means I only have 2 months left to hang out with these guys. I mean yeah, I'd come back up and visit, obviously. But what is the point of moving up to ESU and making such wonderful friends to only move back home and grow apart from them again? I can't even count how many times I've almost cried about all of this just today alone. A 3 hour drive home gives a girl a lot of time to think about deep issues of life. Anyway, I don't know what I'll do. I keep going back and forth between the idea of moving back home and staying up at ESU. I will figure it out, eventually, but for now, I'm just dealing with being an emotional girl who feels like crying over silly things, because that's what girls do.

Escape

New poem.


Run
Blindly into the night.
Your heart pounds in your chest,
So loud that you’re sure they’ll hear it
And come after you,
Find you,
Catch you.
Count the beats of your heart:
One, two, three,
Then feel your pulse
Skyrocket
As you run
Harder,
Faster
Than you’ve ever run before.
Feel the dirt beneath your bare feet as you
Run
Run
Run
For your life.
Hold back your screams and sobs
As terror takes over your heart
And adrenaline keeps you moving,
Moving toward something, anything.
Anything has to be better than this.
Anything has to be better than
Before,
What once was, but now is in the
Past.
Push back your bad memories
As you push back your hair from your face,
Pull it off your neck, damp from sweat,
And fear.
Outrun them.
Outrun the lies,
Hurt,
Pain,
Abuse.
Outrun your memories,
Even though you know you never can,
Never will.
One step after another,
One leap into the
Unknown
After another,
And you’re no closer to
Freedom
Than you ever have been,
Ever will be.
Remember
Remember
Remember
Your screams
Your sobs
Your cries for help,
When you knew all along that
No one
Would ever come.
No one
Would ever help you.
No one would ever
Save you
From the nightmares of your life.
Still, you keep
Running
Running
Running,
Trying to reach a better world
Before they realize you’re gone
And come looking for you.
Before they find you.
Before they punish you,
Again.
Before they attack you,
Again.
Before they compromise your character,
Corrupt your soul.
Before they claw away what little
Innocence
They’ve left you with.
Run,
Run,
Run,
Until you can’t breathe,
Can’t see,
Can’t stand.
Collapse onto the ground,
As your knees buckle under you,
As your heart disintegrates inside your chest.
Gasp for air,
Struggle for blurred vision,
Attempt to drag yourself farther away from them,
The enemies.
But isn’t it funny how everything can be
Moving
So fast,
Yet in one second,
Can come to a screeching halt,
Like your breath,
Your heart,
Your life,
The instant you hear their
Voices,
And know that they’ve been
Following you.
They’ve found you,
And they’re going to
Abuse you,
Again.
They’re going to take advantage of you,
Again.
They’re going to kill you,
Unless you kill yourself first,
Escape.

…so you do.