In the end...

In the end, everything happens for a reason.
In the end, it all works out okay.
In the end, God has handled it all. He always does.


I've been going through a lot lately. Most of it is personal, and if you're reading this and know me well, you probably already know anyway. I'll be the first to admit that I have not been the person I want to be lately. I've been a pretty awful person, and I apologize to everyone for that. The person I have been the past week is not who I am, and not who I want to be. I'm putting her in the past and moving on toward a new me, because that's what God has done. He has forgiven me even though I don't deserve it at all. I'm so undeserving of His grace and His love, but He still showers me with blessings anyway. He turns my pain into blessings, and I love Him so much because He loves me unconditionally. Nothing I can ever do or say will make Him love me less, and He is an amazing Friend, Father, Love, and God for that.

So to everyone reading this, I promise to be a better person. I promise to commit myself to that, because in the past week, I've been someone that even I wouldn't be friends with. I love you all and I hope everyone has a wonderful day.

Wish I Had The Answers To Life

How many times do I wish I could just have all of life's answers in the palm of my hand? I know, I know, that wouldn't be exciting. But it would be a lot less stressful for me. I went to ESU as an elementary education major. Halfway through my first semester, I changed my major to undecided. I know, I do things backwards sometimes, apparently. Changing my major was extremely stressful for me. I mean I had it all planned out. I was going to get my bachelor's in elementary education and then get my master's in special education. I knew the town I wanted to teach in, the school I wanted to teach at, the grade level I wanted to teach. I had EVERYTHING planned out. So of course I would be very stressed when changing my major. Basically I just threw away every little detail I had planned and took a dive into the unknown. I'm more of a planner, not really a spontaneous type of girl, but every once in a while I'll take a risk and jump into life without knowing where it will take me. So now that I'm undecided on a career choice, I've just been taking gen eds that I absolutely HATE this semester. I only like one of my classes this semester, my Constructing Your Career class, which is basically to open your eyes to all the different types of majors and careers out there and help you figure out what you'd be good at. I really like that class. I have been thinking about pursuing a career in Speech & Language Pathology. I really feel like it's something that I could be great at and enjoy doing it every day for the rest of my life. But we'll see. A lot has happened within the past 2 weeks that have taken my world for quite a ride. I won't go into details about it all, because not all of it needs said. But I figured if I'm not going to get a degree from ESU, I might as well move back home and finish up my gen eds at a community college. It would be cheaper and help me save money for when I transfer after my gen eds are finished. And either way, staying at ESU or moving back home, I'll be transferring after my gen eds are done. I'm thinking maybe KU as of right now. But nothing is really set in stone yet. I have my days, you know? Like one day I'm dead-set on moving back home. And then days like today, I question my sanity and whether I'll ever know what I want in life or not. Days like today, the thought of leaving ESU just tears me apart and makes my heart ache. I've been getting really close to a couple of my guy friends lately, and honestly just even packing my bags to head home today for Spring Break made me sad. Lame, right? I'm supposed to be thrilled to be heading home, especially since I was SOOOO horribly homesick last week and came home last weekend. But all I could think about was if I move back home, that means I only have 2 months left to hang out with these guys. I mean yeah, I'd come back up and visit, obviously. But what is the point of moving up to ESU and making such wonderful friends to only move back home and grow apart from them again? I can't even count how many times I've almost cried about all of this just today alone. A 3 hour drive home gives a girl a lot of time to think about deep issues of life. Anyway, I don't know what I'll do. I keep going back and forth between the idea of moving back home and staying up at ESU. I will figure it out, eventually, but for now, I'm just dealing with being an emotional girl who feels like crying over silly things, because that's what girls do.

Escape

New poem.


Run
Blindly into the night.
Your heart pounds in your chest,
So loud that you’re sure they’ll hear it
And come after you,
Find you,
Catch you.
Count the beats of your heart:
One, two, three,
Then feel your pulse
Skyrocket
As you run
Harder,
Faster
Than you’ve ever run before.
Feel the dirt beneath your bare feet as you
Run
Run
Run
For your life.
Hold back your screams and sobs
As terror takes over your heart
And adrenaline keeps you moving,
Moving toward something, anything.
Anything has to be better than this.
Anything has to be better than
Before,
What once was, but now is in the
Past.
Push back your bad memories
As you push back your hair from your face,
Pull it off your neck, damp from sweat,
And fear.
Outrun them.
Outrun the lies,
Hurt,
Pain,
Abuse.
Outrun your memories,
Even though you know you never can,
Never will.
One step after another,
One leap into the
Unknown
After another,
And you’re no closer to
Freedom
Than you ever have been,
Ever will be.
Remember
Remember
Remember
Your screams
Your sobs
Your cries for help,
When you knew all along that
No one
Would ever come.
No one
Would ever help you.
No one would ever
Save you
From the nightmares of your life.
Still, you keep
Running
Running
Running,
Trying to reach a better world
Before they realize you’re gone
And come looking for you.
Before they find you.
Before they punish you,
Again.
Before they attack you,
Again.
Before they compromise your character,
Corrupt your soul.
Before they claw away what little
Innocence
They’ve left you with.
Run,
Run,
Run,
Until you can’t breathe,
Can’t see,
Can’t stand.
Collapse onto the ground,
As your knees buckle under you,
As your heart disintegrates inside your chest.
Gasp for air,
Struggle for blurred vision,
Attempt to drag yourself farther away from them,
The enemies.
But isn’t it funny how everything can be
Moving
So fast,
Yet in one second,
Can come to a screeching halt,
Like your breath,
Your heart,
Your life,
The instant you hear their
Voices,
And know that they’ve been
Following you.
They’ve found you,
And they’re going to
Abuse you,
Again.
They’re going to take advantage of you,
Again.
They’re going to kill you,
Unless you kill yourself first,
Escape.

…so you do.

Epic, The Story God is Telling

I'm borrowing that book (see title) and so far it's really great. It's not very big, so if any of you want to read it, I definitely suggest it. It's by John Eldredge.
Anyway, I just wanted to post something out of it that I just thought was beautifully worded and very true.



The World We Live In

"It is a world of magic and mystery, of deep darkness and flickering starlight. It is a world where terrible things happen and wonderful things too. It is a world where goodness is pitted against evil, love against hate, order against chaos, in a great struggle where often it is hard to be sure who belongs to which side because appearances are endlessly deceptive. Yet for all its confusion and wildness, it is a world where the battle goes ultimately to the good, who live happily ever after, and where in the long run everybody, good and evil alike, becomes known by His true name . . . That is the fairy tale of the Gospel with, of course, one crucial difference from all other fairy tales, which is that the claim made for it is that it is true, that it not only happened once upon a time but has kept on happening ever since and is happening still."

Frederick Buechner, Telling the Truth

The Keeper of My Heart. Yes, I'm Handing It Over.

Funny that when I need to hear something, God puts it in writing. It never fails, I can go searching and searching through pages of the Bible and never find exactly what I'm looking for, but just by accident I will find what He wants me to see. Although this time it wasn't anything in my Bible, but it came from a devotional I did about three months ago.

"Our life experiences - good and bad - also play a big part in shaping us into who we are. In a strange way, our painful experiences can end up being a blessing - if we let them" and "If we let it, pain can help us move closer to God. In addition, it gives us a new perspective of what's truly important in life."

That is really what I needed to hear tonight. Also another quote that helps me right now is:

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

These things help me a lot right now. I knew any of my life experiences would help shape who I am, but it's always an eye opener to read it and be reminded. Knowing that God can take a painful or bad experience and turn it into a blessing, if we allow Him, is comforting. Everyone makes mistakes, but knowing that God can take my mistakes and turn them into blessings and things I will learn from is more than enough for me.

When I pray or read my Bible, unless it's spur of the moment, I try to write down my conversations with God and what I've read during my Bible reading. Something I wrote down back in September was 1 Timothy 1:5, which says: "The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a sincere faith." That love should be extended to all, but it starts with a love for God. And not just a "Hey, I love You, God" and then a continuance of whatever I was planning on doing that day. My love for God needs to grow. He loves me more than I can fathom (love that word!) and as I read once in my devo book: "What you are is God's gift to you, what you do with yourself is your gift to God." (an old Danish proverb) Sometimes it's good to be reminded of things you already know. A friend reminded me tonight that everything I do in life should be glorifying to God. My goal this semester is to get closer to God. I realized (more) over break that my life without God is meaningless. Nothing in life is worthy of anything unless God is in it, and then He is still the most worthy of all I can give. Unless He is at the front of my thoughts and ever present in every aspect of my life, I will not grow to be the Godly young woman He has created me to be. 1 Corinthians 2:9 says: "However, as it is written: 'No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him.'" Love is what I am going to give to God. Love is what I am going to feel, live, breathe for God.

Tonight has been a real eye opener of God's love and grace. Though today has had its ups and downs, overall God has blessed me tremendously and opened my eyes to see that He is in control and knows exactly what He is doing, so I need to step back and let Him do the planning of my life instead of me thinking I know what is best for me. I know that whatever I have planned, it is nothing compared to what God has planned for me. He will mold me and shape my life into His perfect will if I let Him, and I'm focused on letting that happen.

As Jeremiah 29:11 says: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" I'm trusting God. I'm handing everything over to Him and believing that He knows better than I (which is sometimes hard to have faith in, because as He knows, I can be a stubborn little girl) but it is very true. God will take me where I need to go in life and develop friendships and different kinds of relationships in my life that He wants in it. I just need to love Him, follow Him, and strengthen my relationship with Him. Starting now, I hand over my life to my Creator, and trust in Him to lead me on the path He has created for me.

You Were My Error

Sat down to write and this is what came of it. Before you ask, it's not true. Just something I came up with.

Begin...

Walk.

Walk away from you, from the hurt and the pain. Walk away from everything that we were, everything that I knew. Because everything I knew doesn't matter anymore. Everything that we were is nothing now. You are nothing now. But even as I write this, I know it's not true. You're still everything to me. Everything I want and need. But I'm trying to be strong. Easier said than done, of course. My tears will cascade down my face for as long as I live. You're beautiful, you know? You'll always be my favorite. But what does it matter now? You don't even care about me anymore. In fact, I'm not sure you really ever did. You were always good at pretending. You were always good at making me believe that we had something. Making me fall for you before I could see the red flags. I handed over my heart like it was nothing, and you crushed me. You broke me until I couldn't be broken anymore. I fell to pieces at your feet and begged you to pick me up and put me back together again. But did you? Of course not. You took me piece by piece and tore me apart until I was nothing. I loved. I gave. I breathed you in until you were all that I knew. But it wasn't enough. None of it was ever enough. I'll never be good enough. I was crumpled beyond belief. So I finally had enough. I became the nothing you always wanted me to be. I became nonexistent. But even now that I'm useless and only a memory, I find that part of me is still around, still unable to escape. You had me trapped, suffocating for freedom that no one could give me. So I found a way out and freed myself. I walked out of your life just the way you walked out of mine: without a goodbye or the flicker of hope that a second chance brings. I was there, but you never saw me. Just as easily, I'm gone. Some things never change. You'll still look through me as if I'm not there. The only difference is that I'm really not there this time. Congratulations on being too late to save me from drowning in all the pain you caused me. Not that you would have tried very hard anyway. But like I said, nothing matters anymore. I hope I hurt you as bad as you hurt me. I hope you regret everything we ever had. I hope you hate yourself for making me do this to myself, for causing me to extinguish the flame of life that I was never worthy of having in the first place. I hope you still feel me there, all around you. I hope my presence is a constant reminder of how much I hated loving you. So go ahead, try to break my heart now. Try to hurt me. Try to shove me to the ground. Try to tell me how worthless I am.

Try to kill me...oh wait, I already beat you to it.

...End.

Creative Writing Assignment

So in Honors Seminar we had to write a poem or something about Kansas. I wrote a sonnet! :) It's been a while since I've really sat down and concentrated on writing anything that I was proud of, and I'm not saying this one is my favorite, because it isn't, but I'm pretty proud of what I put together for my assignment.

Kansas sky, open and blue

Grass blowing softly in the wind

Clouds billowing in the heavens

Beginning seems to reach its end

Flat land spreads itself forever

Reaching its hands across my heart

Nature appeals to me like no other

It seems we will never be apart

Love for this place came over me

Swiftly captured me piece by piece

Swept me into the beauty of farming

Working God's land was a sweet release

Kansas sky, open and blue

Forever my respect is due